The power of saying ‘no’: Why assertiveness matters

The struggle of saying ‘yes

This week someone asked me for help, and of course I said yes (I like to help!). What was supposed to be a 10- to 15-minute task ended up taking closer to an hour. I felt good about helping at first, but that didn’t last long. I fell behind on my own work and am still in catch-up mode. I should have said no.

When we put others’ needs ahead of our own—5 minutes here, an hour there, 2 hours somewhere else—we throw away our most limited commodity: our time. And once we give away our time, we never get it back!

Why is it so hard to say ‘no’?

For a long time, I’ve struggled to display assertive behaviours. Sometimes I mistook directness for being rude. Other times I just wanted to please people. I’ve always found it hard to say no. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to offend or disappoint people or be seen as selfish.

Saying yes is an ingrained habit for many of us. The longer we do it, the more entrenched the habit becomes until it feels instinctive. But if we don’t guard our time and our priorities, no one else will.

Taking care of yourself first

We need to take care of our own stuff before helping others. Failure to do so is self-defeating. If we spend most of our time helping others and neglecting our own needs, we will become tired, angry, and fed up. Then we won’t be able to help anyone, including ourselves.

It’s something I’m still working on!

The power of saying ‘no

Taking care of yourself requires a level of assertiveness, which demands developing self-confidence and self-esteem. We must be able to express what we want from life, or nothing will change for us. We must speak up for ourselves when necessary and say no.

No is a little word that carries tremendous power. This is one reason many people hate to say—or are afraid to say—no. But if we summon the courage, it can have huge effects on our lives.

Becoming assertive

When you are assertive, you feel free to live as you wish without needing other people’s endorsement. Assertiveness calls for forthright communication. As you learn to say no, you become more assertive. No will become a magic word that can change your life for the better.

Assertive people aren’t aggressive. Being assertive means speaking your mind—not unpleasantly, but without fear of consequences. Assertiveness is congruence between what you feel and what you say and do about it. It’s a way of getting what you want without feeling guilty or manipulating others.

Tips to start saying ‘no

One thing that’s worked for me is replacing the word no with another phrase. For example, “I’d like to help you, but I’m swamped with this project right now.”

Small changes make a big difference, so maybe start out with little refusals and work your way up to the big ones.

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